Candy
(Blue and White Jean Dress with Small Blue Flowers, Age 42: USA)
Case was already closed. Victim was a runaway. Mom called desperate for help. Her daughter was in another state, in a lock down facility, and was being released due to lack of insurance. I helped Candy setting up a therapist for her daughter. I spoke to her often, counseled her, encouraged her. They are doing well now, as a family. She wrote very little- only “feedback”. But it’s enough.
In her own words:
Feedback- How do you feel about participating in this project?
I am honored to participate. After everything that has happened I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I never realized how hard it would be to find help in some situations. We definitely need more people and organizations for our children. I am very thankful for Debbie without her my daughter would not be getting the therapy that she so desperately needs.
Jamie
(Light Purple Evening Dress, Age: 19, USA)
A young girl who believed she could not have better. A real relationship that others could see. A relationship that made her feel important. Instead, it was about hiding. Sneaking. Lies. He had a knife. She simply saved herself. Set for trial.
In her own words:
1. What, if anything, would you like to say to the abuser?
I would let him know that what he did to me doesn’t just affect me for that day or that week but has affected my life on almost a daily basis.2. Write your own definition of sexual abuse?
I define sexual abuse as any unwanted touching, rubbing, vulgar language….People don’t realize that even small actions can be considered abuse.I feel confused about why someone would do such a thing.
I feel angry at the fact that he may get off free.
I feel betrayed because we were in a relationship at the time.
I am afraid that he will send someone to find me.
I am hopeful that the trial will go well.Personal Statement
Distressing, Worried, Resentful, Terrified, Embarrassed, Outraged, Lonely, Dark, Tragic, Scared, Mad, Unlucky, Suffering, Abused, Alienated, Irate, Traumatic, Gloomy, Low, Flawed, Livid, Severe, Hurt, Inconsolable, DismalHow do you feel about participating in this project? What strengths have you recognized in yourself as you have worked on this project?
I am so glad I can participate in this! Girls should know that it is okay to talk about it. It is okay to be upset and angry. Also to let them know they are not alone! And it is not your fault. I realized it is actually easier when you talk about it.
Linsey and Connie
(Large and Small Black Dress (Sewn Together), Age 10 and 30: USA)
My relationship with Connie was high maintenance. She was needy. It’s her baby. And I spent more time connecting with her than I did on other cases. I inherited this case. I inherited an unhappy and frustrated family. They went through a change of advocates and a change of attorneys. The original attorney and I, after the case closed, took Linsey back to school shopping in August. The family was in financial distress. It was a memorable and humbling experience.
Linsey
In her own words:
1. What, if anything, would you like to say to the abuser?
He was a nice man before the abuse and was probably not planning on doing it (my opinion).2. Write your own definition of sexual abuse?
It is when a child under no age or any age is touched weirdly by another boy or girl! Mine was when he fooled me into laying in his bed so he could abuse me.I feel angry at/about he lost my trust after he was nice.
I am worried/afraid that he will abuse someone else.
I am hopeful that I have a supportive family.
I feel strong that I went to court.How do you feel about participating in this project? What strengths have you recognized in yourself as you have worked on this project?
I feel great about participating in this project because it is also about a relationship between me and my mom, but I feel bad for myself that it happened!
Connie
In her own words:
1. Write your own definition of sexual abuse?
A defiant and malicious act of sexual nature that makes one uncomfortable in anyway.I am confused about why.
I feel angry at/about him actually doing this.
I feel betrayed that this is what he did.
I am worried/afraid that you will do this again given chance.
I love my daughter and that she trusted me enough to share.
I am hopeful that my daughter and I can help others through this.
I feel strong when I have done everything to help my daughter through this situationPersonal Statement
The past sexual abuse only affects me now in being extra careful who I associate my daughter with. I don’t bond as quickly to those I work caring for and I am quick to be concerned when people take a strong liking to my daughter.
How do you feel about participating in this project? What strengths have you recognized in yourself as you have worked on this project?
I know in doing this project that I have almost completely healed from all the abuse that has happened to me. That this happening to my daughter bonded us closer together, as she saw me doing everything in my power to be there for her and use this experience to also heal myself.
Rianna
(White Wedding Dress, Age 35: USA)
Tireless. Fighter. Inspiring.
Her father sent her wedding dress from Alaska. I sent her 12 dollars for her to send the dress here. What was I thinking? It cost 42 dollars! She is broke, homeless, scared. She has been from shelter to shelter. She has an autistic son- the reason she gets up everyday. Her abuser was her husband, the father of her son. Case is set for trial. Rianna sent two poems. I really like, When I was a Young Girl. It gave me chills. I just want to open my home and protect this family. She is one of my girls that holds a special place in my heart.In her own words:
When I was a young girl
I was told that I would become a beautiful women- a wonderful mother- and a loving wife.
When I was a young girl
I dreamed of fairy tales and happy endings.
When I was a young girl
I envisioned a life painless, fearless, and full of security.
When I was a young girl
I wanted the perfect family- a loving husband to trust and adore.
I wanted children full of joy and laughter, and to feel safe and secure.
I wanted the American Dream.
But…
I realized your dreams don’t always come true
I am a women now
whose taken pain
whose lost self esteem
whose forgotten laughter
I am a women now
A woman who got married for love
A woman who gave birth to a beautiful boy.
A woman that has been destroyed from the inside out.
I am a women now whose picked myself up off the coldest floor
and never lost faith, and will never look back.
I am a women now whose become an independent, single mom, and full of knowledge.
I am a women now who is scared of trust and love.
I am a strong women now who my son will idol, therefore he will know how to love a woman.
Kiki
(Brown and White Striped Dress, Age 24: USA)
The trial begins tomorrow. I am not her advocate anymore. I am not there. My plan is to go anyway- on my terms, for Kiki. Her abuse incident was surrounded by violence. He held a machine gun- told her he would kill her, and then himself- shot the sofa while she was sitting. He held her prisoner for a long night. I was there during her rape exam the next day. Ultimate vulnerability. She had not slept for over 24 hours. She was in shock, crying, clinging to her mother, although she is a mother herself. A young black girl from the worst part of town. Family has criminal history. Involved with dangerous people. Goals of a better life. It’s so hard to rise above the weight of your environment. Unemployment, lack of education, low income, crack neighborhood. She makes more money on state assistance than she could at a job with her lack of skills/education. I see so much potential. Another time, different place- she would never let me in her world.
In her own words:
1. What, if anything, would you like to say to the abuser?
I would like to ask why he did what he did. Also, why use that type of violence? What did I ever do to deserve this?2. Write your own definition of sexual abuse?
Asking someone to do something they don’t want to do and if the wrong response is given, then the violence starts.I feel confused about nothing.
I feel angry about C.B.
I love my daughter and my family.
I am hopeful that I will be the best mother ever.
I feel strong when I have accomplished everything so far.Personal Statement:
God made me. I came out of my mother’s womb and my childhood began. As the years went by, I became older and wiser. Then I grew up and had my own little girl. Now my life has changed completely and for the better. When I try and help someone out, it’s a disaster from the pits of hell. But yet another eye opener. You can not even imagine the knowledge that I have now. I have learned to be aware of my surroundings, to not lower my standards for anybody, and how to focus on my family. Now we are enjoying our life to the fullest.
How do you feel about participating in this project? What strengths have you recognized in yourself as you have worked on this project?
I feel great about participating in this project because it helps me to keep the strength to go on and better myself so I can be an excellent mother to my baby. My strength would be to wake up everyday feeling, knowing that I have come through a lot of dangerous situations.
Roberta
Ja sam iz Hrvatske.Rođena i odrasla u naprednoj regiji,Istri, u obitelji obrazovanih pristojnih ljudi,bez puno emocija.Relativno sam normalno odgojena.Veoma dobro sam obrazovana .
Moja se obitelj raspala početkom rata u ex Yugoslaviji.Vjerojatno je i prije .
Zašto to pišem?.Mislim da duboko u sebi nosim osjećaj krivnje za puno stvari koje su mi se dogodile.
Prebacujem si 25 godina da sam bila glupa kad nisam mogla predvidjeti sve odvratne dane koje sam proživjela s bivšim suprugom.
Udala sam se u vrijeme početka rata.
Nakon određenog perioda brak je donio dvoje djece jedno teško bolesno.
Počeli su problemi oko odnosa, obaveza,odgoja...
Ta razliku od vanjskih stradanja žena koje je bilo očito ja sam stradavala iza zatvorenih vrata obiteljske kuće.
Planirano i neprestano.
Iako živim u „državi“ nitko nigdje nije nikada ni jednu ženu ,pa ni mene,koja je u braku prisiljena na odnos koji ne želi,ozbiljno shvatio i regirao na praktičan način.Ta kategorija ne postoji.Same smo si krive.
17.3. o.g.bivši suprug je konačno kažnjen sudski za zlostavljanje,ali ne mene već što je to radio pred djecom i to uvjetno na 6 mjeseci.
Za 17 godina maltretiranja.
Ne volim se sjećati i pričati o tome jer mi pozli i utiče na kvalitetu mog života danas.
Moj je slučaj vezan za tzv kućno nasilje u kojem je nasilnik bio poznat i nasilje svake vrste često.
Moja djeca su na žalost uzimala uloge branitelja mame a ja često nisam mogla spriječiti da budu svjesni što se događa.
Sexualno nasilje je bilo dio odnosa unutar obitelji jer je bivši suprug smatrao sex instrumentom pokoravanja nedobre žene pa sam kad bih odbila(najčešće) odnos bila vrijeđana,zaključavana, izbacivana iz auta sred ceste,a veoma često i fizički prisiljavana,batinama,šamaranjem,šakom,nogom, pljuvanjem... na odnos.
Taj čovjek ima 140 kg.Ja sam do nedavno imala 52.
Iako sam imala povrede kao fraktura lubanje,hematome po cijelom tijelu,poderotine..sve je bilo na policiji uvedeno kao lakše povrede.Razbijene stvari,naočale,garderoba,pribor za rad ...0 bodova.
Nema posebnog slučaja.Svi su odvratni.
Noću bi upadao u sobu gdje ja spavam sa djecom i masturbirao.
Danas kad se samo pokušam sjetiti izbije mi neurodermitis i tijelo mi se zgrči.
Svako iskustvo je odvratno.
Još se uvijek učim pustiti ljude blizu.
Ne podnosim slike nasilja bilo koje vrste.Pomogla bih svakome samo da ne prolazi to poniženje.
Nema opisa boli koju proživi osoba koja je sexualno zlostavljana.
Nikad žena koja je silovana ne prevaziđe odvratnost koju je doživjela.
Strah ostaje bez obzira koliko radile na sebi.
Razvila sam razne strahove,kad sam vani sam a bojim se da će me SVATKO napast.Bojim se kad poštar donosi poštu,kad berem šparuge,čekanja u redovima,gužve u autobusu..
I danas se tuširam nakon svake neugode.
Ne volim svoje tjelo jer da ga nemam nebi se desilo sve to.
Sreća je kad uspiješ ostvariti daljnji život i obitelj s nekim normalnim muškarcem.
Samo bih željela amneziju.
I znati da društvo vidi i poštuje žrtve.I kažnjava nasilnike.
(Roberta's Statement in German)
Ich komme aus Kroatien. Geboren und aufgewachsen bin ich in der fortentwickelten Region Istrien, in der ausgebildeten Familie, ohne viel Emotionen. Ich bin relativ normal erzogen. Sehr gut bin ich ausgebildet. Meine Familie ist am Anfang des Krieges in Ex Jugoslawien kaputgegangen. Wahrscheinlich noch vorcher.
Warum schreibe ich da alles? Ich denke dass ich tief in meinem Inneren, das Schuldgefuehl trage, für viele Dinge die mir geschehen sind.
Eine von mehreren sind - 25 Jahre die ich mit meinem Exmann zusammenverbracht habe weill ich nicht vorahnen konnte dass mir alle schreckliche Tage geschehen werden, die ich mit ihm erlebt habe.
Am Anfang des Krieges habe ich geheiratet.
Nach dem bestimmten Zusammenleben, die Ehe hat zwei Kinder an die Welt gebracht, ein war schwer behindert.
Die Probleme sind um Kindererziehung, unsere Mann – Frau Beziehung,… angefangen.
Der Unterschied zwischen mir und den anderen Frauen, war dass ich immer hinten den geschlossenen Türe angegrifen wurde.
Ununterbrochen und geplant.
Obwohl ich im „Land“ lebe, niemand und nirgendwann hat (keine Frau, so auch mich die in der Ehe gezwungen war ein Zustand im Leben zu führen den ich nicht wollte), niemand hat das ernst genommen, und niemand hat praktisch reagiert. Diese Kategorie der Hilfe für die Frau existiert hier nicht. Wir sind uns selber schuld.
Am 17. März 2010 wurde mein Exmann endlich bestraft (nicht weill er mich geschlagen hat, sondern weill er mich vor den Kinder vergewaltig hat). Nach 17 Jahre Vergewaltigung.
Ich mag nicht darüber reden, ich will alle diese schlechte Erlebnisse nicht im Gedähniss halten, weill ich mich nachdem schlecht fühle. Das alles macht die Qualität meines Lebens schlechter.
Mein Fall ist mit der sogenanten „Heimvergewaltigung“ verbunden, in dem der Gewalttäter bekannt ist und die Vergewaltigung der Art sehr oft geschieht.
Meine Kinder haben, leider, die Rolen der Mutterschützer genommen. Ich habe oft nicht vermeiden künnen dass ihnen bewusst war, was passiert.
Vergewaltigung war die Umgangsweise meines Exmannes. Auch im Bereich des Sex. Er hat gemeint dass Sex der Instrument der Beherrschung der nicht genug guter Frau ist. Am meisten wollte ich nicht „Liebe“ (Sex) mit ihm machen. In manchen Fällen, hat er mich mit den Wörtern, psichisch vergewaltigt – er hat mich geschlossen, mitten auf der Strasse hat er mich raus aus dem Auto geschmissen…….. Sehr oft hat er mich an den Sex gezwungen – dabei mit Bein, Faust geschlagen, gespuckt auf mich, usw……
Dieser Mann wiegt 140 Kilo, ich habe bis vor kurzer Zeit nur 52 Kilo gewogen.
Nach seiner fisischer Vergewaltigung habe ich gebrochenen Schädel gehabt, Hematome auf dem ganzen Körper, kaputes Gewand. Alles wurde auf der Polizei als „leichte Verletzungen“ von den Polizisten angeschrieben. Meine kapute Sachen, Brille, Gewand, Arbeitsmaterial…. - Null Grad.
Es gibt keine speziellen Fälle. Alle sind gleich grauslich.
Mitten in der Nacht ist oft ins Zimmer gekommen wo ich mit beiden Kinder geschlafen habe, masturbiert hat er.
Heute, wenn ich daran denke, bekomme ich Neurodermitis, mein Koerper faengt zu (to cramp)………………
Jedes Erlebnis ist grauslich.
Noch imme lerne ich die Leute Nahe zu mir zu treten.
Wenn ich die Bilder der Vergewaltigung sehe, halte ich nicht aus sie weiter anzuschauen.
Den Schmerzen den eine Person als Sexvergewaltigung erlebt, kann man nie genau beschreiben.
Die Frau die sexualvergewaltigt worden war, wird nie von dem Gefuehl der Grauslichkeit los werden.
Die Angst bleibt, unabhängig von dem wieviel jemand an sich arbeitet.
Bei mir haben sich verschiedenartige Ängste entwiclkelt. Wenn ich mich im Offenen allein befinde, habe ich Angst dass mich jeder angreifen wird. Ich habe Angst wenn der Postmann die Briefe zu mir gibt, wenn ich Spargel in der Natur zusammensamle, wenn ich in den Schlangen warte, wenn viele Leute im Buss sind.
Ich dusche mich nach jeder unangenehmen Erlebnis, heute noch.
Meinen Körper liebe ich nicht, wenn es ihn nicht wäre – hätte das alles nicht passieren.
Das Glück ist wenn man das nächste, weitere Leben führen kann, die Familie mit einem normalen Mann. Ich will das alles vergessen.
Ich will wissen dass die Gesellschaft die Vergewaltigten akzeptiert und die Gewalttäter prozesuiert.
Statement by (Anonymous New Participant), Canada
We met at the She LL Project exhibition at Lothringerstr. We met again after for a coffee and spoke for a long time. She said she was inspired after seeing She LL Project to go home and write pages and pages about her past experiences. She decided not to give a dress but rather a photograph of herself selling her handmade hearts on Valentine’s Day, wearing her “magic coat” back in Montreal, Canada, 1978. Her photograph and heart will be shown at the next She LL Project exhibition once a new location has been confirmed.
April, 2009. Seeing the empty yet full dresses in Munich wrenched me out of my daily life, wrung tears “out of the blue”. Reading the statements made me boil with anger that this soul-theft happens again and again. It’s taken me almost a year to complete this statement because it brought up so much painful loss. But re-reading the participants’ statements moved me to see how much I’ve gained from the whole struggle, so, sisters, here goes:
At age 18 and again at 19, full of dreams of becoming an artist, I left Canada and set out for Europe, wearing my “magic coat”. I had built a simple loom and woven a travelling coat of natural New Brunswick wool, lined with warm corduroy, with inside pockets for my drawing book and tools. In this coat, I felt I could meet the world as my true self. What do you think? Does it make me look “available”?
On both trips, I naively found myself in abusive situations which not only seriously damaged my belief in my personal worth but almost destroyed my belief in my ability and right to work creatively, for decades. Now, at age 56, I marvel at that courageous and terribly naïve young woman, travelling alone, armed only with a few pencils. On each journey, I met a man and trusted him to see me as I saw myself: first and foremost as an artist, searching for beauty and authentic life. As it turned out, each of these men saw me as someone who primarily existed as some kind of disposable oral sex service, and forced me to provide it. In the first situation, I had gratefully accepted a lift from a soccer player at an English village pub in the vast moors of Exeter, where I’d been so absorbed in drawing all afternoon that I missed the last bus back to Exeter. He forced me into the back seat and squeezed my throat with huge hands until I did what he wanted. After abusing me, he threw me out of the car and drove off. I couldn’t tell anyone, and stopped trusting men, even my boyfriend. A year later, again travelling and drawing alone in Europe, I met an American video artist whose show was about to open in Amsterdam, and again deluded myself that he “saw” me as an equal. I so desperately wanted to be included in what I then saw as the magic circle of (real=male) artists that I completely numbed myself while he forced me with threats to perform oral sex. I even went to the opening of his show, feeling like an alien, smiling and meeting people and listening to them praise his “artistic sensitivity”. Finally, finally, reality hit me and I left that trendy gallery, nauseous, and resumed my solitary journey, barely able to trust even men I knew as friends – and much worse – not knowing if I could trust myself to keep myself safe and not risk my soul to “belong”.
My own responses remained a source of torturous confusion for decades: What had I done to “allow” such situations to occur? Were they my fault? Why wasn’t I respected and valued by men? Why was there such a huge gap between my values and theirs? And why was I unable to tell anyone who cared about me? Soon after the second experience, when a very close friend whispered to me that she had been brutally raped by a stranger in her home town in Newfoundland, I pretended I didn’t hear her, while inside my head a voice said: Oh well, it will happen to all of us.
It has taken literally decades to re-establish the self respect and integrity I have now. It took apologizing to that friend (and forgiving myself) for my cowardice and learning to face the reality of human responses to power and lack of it. It took writing and illustrating a book about emotions for young people, and slowly finding my own voice, my own art forms. These subjects aren’t easy but they absolutely need to be faced to turn around this situation and enable girls and women to protect themselves. I am encouraged to see young women countering our culture’s primary message of female-body-as-commodity in Munich with posters claiming their bodies to be their own. When I see advertising posters of female bodies without heads, just the same old “tits ‘n’ ass”, I often write on them with a permanent marker some question such as “Where’s my soul?” It’s vital to question this steady stream of media manipulation, especially where young girls see it. It’s the least we can do for the next generation, to help them respect their own feelings and values, and release their and our unlimited creative female energy.
Forcing anyone to perform sex is not about sex, it is about force. Robbing anyone of choice is about robbery, about break-and-enter. I have learned that self-pity is our most dangerous drug, and the rapist is one of many dealers. We have to show him we are not addicted to self-pity, we are stronger than him. Our lives belong to us. I thank all the immensely courageous women who created this project.
Please check back soon the archive is a life long work in progress.